shadoweyes's Blog

Bad Patterns

My life sucks right now.

The only way I can describe my life right now is on pause. My closest friend has moved away, most of my other friends have families.  My life right now is ruled by work.  I think the phrase is I live to work.  I need to get it the other way round, or just not work at all.

So a night out was definitely on the works.  I managed to drag a couple of my friends out for a good old night of drinking and dancing.  But inevitably, it was the same old excuses of I have to get home to the wife and kids.    Its a valid excuse, one I wish i could use myself, but its not meant to be for me yet. 

Not wanting the night to end, and with an alcohol buzz.  I continued the night alone, missing my best friend and wingman.  Dancing in my favourite club and I see her.  It's one of those weird clichés where our eyes meet across a crowded room  blah blah blah.  But this was one of those moments.  With the alcohol fueling my movements, I made my way across to her, she was with friends, but that didn't stop me from putting my cheesy moves on her Gangnam Style.  Just thinking about it now makes me cringe.

Whatever I did worked, because we were soon dancing together.  The attraction was instant and overwhelming, and we were soon locked n a kiss that brought back a hell of a lot of memories.  Falling back into old habits seems to be my speciality at the moment.  

I made sure I got her number, and we began texting on a regular basis.  It brightened my work day, it brightened my evening.  We learnt everything about each other.  We met a couple of weeks ago again for drinks and even sober we had loads to talk about and loads in common.  The attraction was there, the kissing was great. 

But I was holding back, I knew I didn't want to get too close. I've been burned too many times.  With Chloe most recently and of course the love of my life, who I had just really gotten over before meeting her.  But the similarities were there, and they should have told me to run a mile.  But what can I say, I'm a fool.   

Long story short, she's married.  2 kids.  Unhappily married, but married all the same, and I'm not going down that route.  In a way I'm glad I held back.  I'm certainly glad I didn't sleep with her, although I'm sure it would have been great.

I keep playing back the first night we met again in my head and the similariities to my meeting Mia is startling.  It was a bad omen and I should not have continued from that point.  But I was putting myself out there.

So it's back to the daily grind 8 hours a day 5 days a week.  My life on pause.

My life sucks right now

Chloe or Michael

Well after about a month of applications, arguments, comedy of errors, time wasters, just plain wasters, druggies, and all other sorts.  I'm down to 2 names for my room mate.  And I haven't got a clue who to choose.

I promised them id make a decision by Monday, and tomorrow I'm going to Weston to the beach.  These are by far the two best candidates,  I really want a good home environment so I don't have the same problems I had with my last room mate.  But I'm left with two conundrums.  Theres Michael, who is my namesake, which I suppose shouldn't pose too many problems except with phone calls and what not.  Then theres Chloe, who shares the same name as my ex and love of my life, which did stir up some issues in me but I'm past it now.

Both I can see being friends with, not just room mates.  Both support Aston Villa, which was a must on the application (lol). We all enjoy the same sort of programmes, which means no-one will be dominating the living room remote.  What it really is going to come down to is do I want to live with a man or a woman, and I really didn't want it to come down to this decision.  I'e lived with a guy before and it was terrible, a female would be a welcome change, but has its own challenges as well.

I've got some thinking to do.  Lucky i'm going to the beach tomorrow, I do my best thinking there :)

Update 2nd August

She moves in Saurday!

Read this when you think about quitting again!

I seriously thought about quitting EP for good a couple of days ago.

 I found this website by complete accident when I was in a complete mess about a relationship that had been causing me torment for 2 years.  I loved the way I could be completely open and honest about myself, about how I was feeling, about my past and my future.  This website has it all.  

After a while though, I've found myself going through the motions I feel.  I go through others experiences and comment when I feel it's appropriate, but I've felt slightly bored with it lately.  I also regret putting my pictures up as although I have no problem showing my face, it gives license to some to add me purely based on my look and what I could do to their wife.  Thats not me, will never be me.  So the pictures are gone and I'm pretty much anonymous again.  

Then a couple of days ago I was commenting and looking at others experiences and I added someone to my circle who I  thought i could relate to , we  shared experiences and id commented on their stories but this person blocked me flat out.  They could have just not added me to their circle, but they saw me as some sort of threat and just blocked me.  I have to admit this stung a bit because I have never done or would never do anything to warrant a blocking.  Call it an insecurity on my part but this hurt a bit.  I don't add many people to my circle, a lot of people add me and I only accept those that I can actually see myself talking to or relating to.  So to add someone and get instantly blocked was a knock.  Like I said, i probably overreacted by feeling this way and I thought about not bothering anymore.

Then I got a message from someone who had added me as a friend about a week ago and reminded me about what EP was all about.  Meeting new people, sharing life stories and becoming friends.  To hell with whoever blocked me, it justs means they've missed out on getting to know ME and I'm awesome. LOL

ENGLAND!!!!! :(

I'm getting all my feelings down now while they're still in my head, and before I drown myself in beer and Jack Daniels.

I never thought we would lose NEVER!!

i was in the hope that karma would do us justice and the fact that it was our turn to beat the Germans.  We have played like absolute shit during this entire tournament and I feel like we should have at least beaten the Germans, then we could have got knocked out by the Argies and I would have been satisfied with a quarter final appearance.


Whenever someone said to me what do you think the score will be,I said it would be close, but we'd nick a goal in normal time.  No extra time, NO PENALTIES.

I've lost a bit of faith.  Like someone, whos lost their faith in religion.  I've lost my faith in England.  where do we go from here.  Our under 21's are absolute shit.  Our so called number one team is SHIT.  Our manager has delivered false promises.  Are you Steve Maclaren in disguise I keep thinking, because it certainly feels like it.  He told us he would play the best team, the form team.  Yet Rooney played every game without scoring a fucking goal.  He brought Heskey on for Defoe when we needed to score goals.  I'm an Aston Villa fan all day long but Heskey is an absolute Donkey and should never have been anywhere near the world cup let alone the starting 11.  Where was Peter crouch????? Why was Glen Johnson allowed on the field when he's absolute shite.  I really don't understand it!   Why was Steven Gerrard on the left.  Why was he not behind Rooney??  Why didn't Joe Cole Start?? Why did we put all our faith in Judas Barry when he was rubbish. Why didn't Warnock get a run out! (thats the Villa fan talking in me) I was watching BBC and Harry Redknapp and I'm convinced that he should be our manager FUCK the foreign coaches we've put our faith in.  They're not English they don't care.  Capello doesn't care.  He just wants his money.  I want Harry Redknapp.  We put too much pressure on Rooney and it completely backfired.  Our team is a disgrace, an absolute disgrace.  Germany, you deserved it, but the Argies will destroy you in the quarters!


Who needs an Ipod!

I forgot my Ipod today, which I usually play while I'm driving.  Turns out it didn't matter.  The radio station I was listening to played the following songs one after another.

Michael Jackson - Man in the Mirror
Pink - Like a Pill
Lady Gaga - Bad Romance
Aerosmith - Don't wanna miss a thing
Bon Jovi - it's My Life
Alicia Keys -  If I aint got you

There I was singing at the top of my lungs on my entire journey home.  Glad I forgot my Ipod after all.


A entry without any drama.

My blogs lately have almost exclusively been about my lovelife. I'm going to look back at this with my future wife, whom ever she may be and we're going to have a laugh.  Today, I'm just going to include random observations about my day.

- I'm so glad North Korea got absolutely spanked in the football today,  I was a portugese fan for the first time today and it was blissful watching it.  Despite this they are not getting anywhere near the world cup.

- Spain... I love Spain what a wonderful game I'm watching as I write this, 2-0 with twenty minutes to go. 

- Trying desperately at the moment to find out where I can watch the World Series of Poker on British TV,  I began my love affair with poker watching the 2007 WSOP but I haven't seen another one since.

- I'm loving my job at the moment.  I'm on top of all my work and will hopefully be able to leave early on Wednesday for the England game.

- I'm done with Jack Daniels...........for now!



A couple of  days ago I was feeling quite low, because of Mia and realising there really is nothing keeping me here, except a job I love.  But that entity which is fate, whether cruel or kind, made its presence felt with me this week.  I ended up bumping into Lucy today, a girl I never thought I would see again, we've gone out a couple of times, me always being distracted.  The last time we had a really good time but decided it was best not to see each other.  My fault completely as I still had Mia on my mind, this being before I saw Mia for what will probably be the last time now.  Anyway, Lucy was coming out of Selfridges as I was going in.  She actually saw me first and approached me which I was surprised about.  The way we ended things I'm not sure she'd want to talk to me again.  But she was so sweet, asking me how I was.  I asked her if she wanted a coffee, the least I could do.  As we were generally chatting, she brought up Mia and I ended up pouring my heart out to her, and it was nice to actually talk to someone in person about everything. Considering what we've been through, to come out the other aide as friends is a welcome change.  I've never dated a woman and then been friends with her afterwards, but Lucy has made it clear that she only wants to be friends, which is ok with me.  I just feel better having told her everything that was going on with me.  Here's hoping this good mood lasts! lol


Experience Project - A True Experience

Like a lot of people on EP, I found this site by accident.  My friends unsympethetic to my 'pain' and the one person who I could talk to was the source of the 'pain', so I went about looking for other people who were going through what I was going through and I found this place.  I've always enjoyed writing and started numerous blogs before getting bored because noone was reading them.  But here is a place where I can put all my feelings down, and not only will people read them, they understand and comment on them to.  Its also provided me with probably more questions than answers about my own life, as well as opening my eyes to the fact that however bad my life may become at times, there is always someone out there who has it worse than you.  I've met some great people here, who have given me advice and who I've given advice to also.  I can't remember how many stories I've wanted to comment on but haven't found the words to say.  So many stories where the people involved I want to say 'I hear you' ,  'I understand', the people I just want to hug and say it'll be alright.  I'm more at peace with my own life at the moment and want to say to those who need someone to talk to, that I'm always here.


A Realisation!

My blog was never ever going to be ramblings about my own life, that wasn't the point, but we're here and I have an urge to tell random people about my day.  I had a great day btw.  I knew I was going out tonight, so decided I would work 6-2 so I could have a nap when I got home, little did I know the 'fun' I was about to have.  

I will never go shopping with a woman ever again!  That is all!!!

Then a twist of fate as my usual JD flask was leaking I decided to leave it at home and the rest as they say is history.  I am still standing, and I realised. Jack may be the problem.  I can't remember the last time I went out, drank JD and didn't  end up paraletic.  I stuck to beer and Long Island Iced Tea tonight and I was fine.  May have to re-evaluate my love for Jack.

Onto the night and I had a great time, it was a staff leaving party, so we had a tab at the bar.  Needless to say I took full advantage, and so I was dancing as I do.  I didn't end up dancing with anyone else, which was unusual, it was nice to be by myself for a change/  Decided I will be going out tomorrow night as well as I enjoyed myself so much tonight.

Me and Jack against the world!

Ok so I'm feeling a lot better today.  Cliche to say this, but I have to look at this as the first day in the rest of my life.  With Jack (Daniels) by my side, theres no stopping me.  After seeing Mia yesterday, I went home and had quite a good evening and it showed me that there is life after love.  I think I want to have some fun.  I'm off out tomorrow so will use this to become the me of old, the student me (if I can handle it), I miss that guy, he was fun to be around.  I'm also trying to make an effort to get to know some of my EP friends some more, whats the point of adding someone if you're not going to talk to them.  Also I must say congrats to my best friend Mark who lives back home and just proposed to his girlfriend.  I miss them so much sometimes, makes me think about moving back to my hometown.  Will certainly make some things a whole lot easier.


Women sometimes have too much power!

I'm weak!

Two days in a row I've intended to tell mia all all nothing and two days in a row I've come away having given into lust rather than rational thought.  I was watching Cougar Town last night when Jules and Grayson finally gave into their feelings for one another.  They decided to be friends with 'benefits'.  Is it even possible to have sex without feelings? I don't know.  I'm glad I saw her again, I don't regret that, but while I still clearly have feelings there, I think she's only using me for a satisfying lay.  I enjoy it, but know I can't stay like this.  I want to get married someday but how is that possible when I stay with someone who I know doesn't feel the same way.  Do I stick it out for the fantastic sex and hopefully she'll change her mind or do I cut and run so I can find my 'one'.

I'm weak!

My mood: extremely bewildered

All I Want is Closure!!!

I started writing today feeling extremely sorry for myself, I think today was a wake up call I needed.  Chloe and I will never be together again in a serious nature.  She made her feelings perfectly (un) clear today.  She misses me but she doesn't want to be together.  I can't get a straight answer, she's not with anyone, but isn't willing to give us another try, she'll  sleep with me, but won't stay with me.  She says she was happy with me, but obviously not happy enough.  It can't just be the age thing, its such a stupid inconsequential reason to not be with someone.  I'm tired of the chase on this one,  it's just making me more unhappy,  I could let this go if I got some closure, figured out why she doesn't want to be with me.  Rang Mark.  Having a best friend who lives on the otherside of the country is not helpful in times like these, I feel a roadtrip coming on to clear my head.  He was the one who told me 'go get her' as he put it, he tells me to keep at it but there comes a point where I need to let her go.  I feel like Ted from How I Met Your Mother, a true believer in love and willing to go to any lengths to get it, except, we all know there's a happy ending in it for him.

I have however been provided with a nice distraction which is keeping me smiling and as I put it 'stopping me from drowning in Jack Daniels'.


Anticipation!! Tiredness!!!

Too tired to write blog today.   Will make sure to update tomorrow, hopefully with Chloe and I back together.


What the hell happened!

I don't know whether I was too drunk last night and didn't post it correctly, or if I imagined it.   But I'm sure I wrote a blog last night. Probably better this way as it was probably ramblings of an incoherant nature.  I had a great time with Lucy yesterday, we went to have cocktails and danced, then came back and watched a repeat of Britains Got Talent (Youtube 'Spellbound Britains Got Talent' and be amazed)  Anyway we decided we weren't going out again, which was best all round I think, shes a friend and I think thats all it will ever be.

I rang Mia today, which went against every fibre of my being, but I decided I'm not happy with the way things are.  I was most happy when I was with her and I want to see her again.  I purposely cut off all ties with her when we broke up because I didn't think we could be friends.  We've emailed a few times the last few months without really detailing anything.  So now I want to see her.  I need closure, this is the way to get it.  If it went my way id want to get back together but I don't know how shes feeling.  Maybe she misses me, maybe shes moved on.  The reason she broke up with me is still there, I'm still 16 years younger than her, maybe shes decided it doesn't matter to her anymore, I don't know.  All I know is I'm never going to find my happiness, if i'm still holding a torch for her.  I'm seeing her Tuesday so I have a day to think about what i'm doing.

Kinda glad my blog never posted last night.

My mood: somewhat pleased

Day 2

So I wrote my first experience project blog yesterday and actually feel good writing down what I'm feeling at any given time.  Yesterday I had a great day and not enough people know that so writing it down spreads the joy if you will.

I was speaking to Lucy today and for reasons only my subconscious could probably explain, I found myself asking her why she'd agreed to go out with me again.  See, we have been out about two years ago.  It was a complete rebound thing as I had just been through a bad breakup and was in need of someone close by.  Well it was a complete disaster (mainly because of me).  A little advice from me, if you ever have a bad breakup DO NOT start dating again for at least six months.  Anyway, things ended badly between us the first time, but when I saw her again earlier this week, it felt like I owed her something.   Which is probably why I think it won't work out this time.  I've done a lot of growing up, soul searching, whatever you want to call it in the last two years and ever since I started writing some of my feelings down and sharing here on experience project, I think I owe it to myself to finally move on.  Put Mia behind me and really start afresh.  Maybe everyone is right, maybe Lucy will surprise me tomorrow, we've done enough talking this week, we have a lot in common, I am not a complete lovesick douche anymore.  Until tomorrow, (or later if I'm bored).

My mood: pretty happy

Who's going to read this??

I've tried starting a blog numerous times before and it always nds up the same way.  I start with an introduction setting everything up and writing my first entry.  Then I almost as quickly get bored and give up thinking who's going to read this.  Well I'm trying again now and hopefully I'll see it through.  I'm making a pact to myself to write an entry everyday until Monday.  If i've managed to last that long I may have some hope.  Usually I only start a blog when I'm feeling down, but this time I'm in a really positive mood, I'm having a great day at work and the weekend is in sight.  Now when I get home things may change, my roomate always has his girlfriend over and although I've got a date this weekend,  I can already see it doomed to fail (not so positive on that thought).  With that I will leave it there.  No-ones probably going to read this anyway sooooooooooo why do I bother.

My mood: extremely positive

1-16 of 16 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Bad Patterns, posted November 21st, 2012, 1 comment
Chloe or Michael, posted July 31st, 2010
Read this when you think about quitting again!, posted July 24th, 2010, 1 comment
ENGLAND!!!!! :(, posted June 27th, 2010
Who needs an Ipod!, posted June 22nd, 2010
A entry without any drama., posted June 21st, 2010
Fate?, posted June 19th, 2010
Experience Project - A True Experience, posted June 13th, 2010, 1 comment
A Realisation!, posted June 11th, 2010
Me and Jack against the world!, posted June 10th, 2010, 1 comment
Women sometimes have too much power!, posted June 9th, 2010, 1 comment
All I Want is Closure!!!, posted June 8th, 2010, 2 comments
Anticipation!! Tiredness!!!, posted June 7th, 2010
What the hell happened!, posted June 6th, 2010, 2 comments
Day 2, posted June 4th, 2010
Who's going to read this??, posted June 3rd, 2010, 5 comments

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